Stewie: How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Gotta a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Gotta, gotta nice litte story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for 3 years? Huh? Gotta, gotta compelling protaganist? Yeah? Gotta obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Gotta story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? (voice getting higher pitched) Yea, talking about that 3 years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? (voice returns to normal) No, no, you deserve some time off.

Stewie (to one of the prostitutes at Cleveland's house): So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?

Meg (about Peter being retarded): I can never go to school again!
Stewie: Oh, yes, Meg, yes-yes yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, yes, THIS is the thing that will ruin your reputation, not your years of grotesque appearance, or your awkward social graces, or that Felix Ungerish way you clear your sinuses, no no no, it's THIS. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.

Guy on Airplane: Oh great, I always end up sitting next to a damn baby.
Stewie: What did you just say?
Lois: Stewie, stop fussing.
Stewie: Pipe down Lois. (Slaps guy on head.) Hey big man, turn around. Oh you can't hear me now. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch.

Stewie (to Jeremy, the babysitter's boyfriend): Ha! I got your hat! Take that, hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hackey sac tourney! I'm not gonna lay down for some frat boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal Bandits and his Abercrombie and Fitch long sleeved, open stitched, crew neck Henley smoking his sticky buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded Simpsons episodes every night! Yes, we all love "Mr. Plow"! Oh, you've got the song memorized, do you? SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE! That is exactly the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at 1 in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar skank ladder!

(Lois finds a note in Chris's pocket) Lois: Huh, what's this? You know Stewie, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris's pocket. She's more respectful than that.
Stewie: Whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch.

Lois: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.
Stewie: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears that would ring a few bells.

Stewie: It wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I have no problem. There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore. I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, 'My God wouldn't it be marvelous if i turned out to be a homosexual?'

Stewie (his voice getting progressively higher): Oh I know it hurts now Brian, but look at the bright side: you have some new material for that novel you've been writing. You know...the novel you've been workin' on? You know the the one, uh, you've been workin on for three years? You know the novel. Got somethin' new to write about now. You know? Maybe a, maybe a main character gets into a relationship and suffers a little heartbreak? Somethin' like what... what you've just been through? Draw from real life experience? Little, little heartbreak? You know? Work it into the story? Make the characters a little more three dimensional? Little, uh, richer experience for the reader? Make those second hundred pages really keep the reader guessing what's going to happen? Some twists and turns? A little epilogue? Everybody learns that the hero's journey isn't always a happy one? (Voice returns to normal.) Oh, I look forward to reading it.

Brian: You're drunk.
Stewie: You're sexy.

Stewie: Let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn until OOP! big shock, a jack pops out and you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside.

Stewie: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.

Stewie: Did you hear that Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So...this is awkward, but I mean, if they can do that, that is pretty much it for you, isn't it? I mean you as well pack it in. Game over.

Stewie: There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me, and it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore.

Stewie's Letter: Dear stupid dog, I've gone to live with the children on jolly farm. Good bye forever. Stewie. P.S. I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas. Umm, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I'm probably over the thirty day return limit but umm… I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll at least give you a store credit or something. Umm.. It's actually not a horrible sweater. It's... It's just I can't imagine when I would ever wear it you know? Oh I also left a button on the bureau. I'm not sure what it goes to, but I can never bring myself to throw a button away. I know that as soon as I do I'll find the garment it goes to and then it'll… Wait a minute, could it be from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm… Well I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again, goodbye forever. P.P.S. You know, it might be a little chilly in London, I'm actually going to take the sweater.

Stewie: Uh you've reached stewie and brian, we're not here right now, uh and if this is mom, uh send money because we're college students and we need money for books...and highlighters...and.... ramen noodles...and condoms, for sexual relations with our classmates.

Stewie: Hello, mother. I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.

Stewie: Damn, must have pulled something playing hoops last week. (Goes to flashback of Stewie playing basketball.)

Stewie: I know you ain't puttin that rock up from here, cause you ain't got no J! (Stewie trips basketball player)
Baskeball player: Yo man, that's trippin!
Stewie: Brotha please, you're the one who's trippin'! Now go on! Cry home to your momma! She waitin' for ya!
Basketball player: Now don't make me stick my size thirteens up yo narrow ass!
Stewie: Oh, sweet! Bring it on bitch! Now how you gonna act?! (Basketball player walks away.) Jeeze! Bringin that trash in here. Dis is my house!!!

Olivia: You are the weakest link, goodbye. (laughter)
Stewie: Ha ha ha! Oh gosh that's funny! That's really funny! Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. You are the weakest link goodbye. You know, I've, I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Hmm. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. Because that's what she says on the show right? Isn't it? You are the weakest link goodbye. And, and yet you've taken that and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. That's so fresh too. Any, any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me too as long as we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity. God you're so funny!

Lois: I'm gonna go get some oranges Stewie. Here, hold the rest of these bags for mommy."
Stewie: Oh, what brilliant parenting Lois. Leave a tiny infant with a plastic bag. You know I might asphyxiate myself just to teach you a lesson. Here I go. Just like that boy from INXS..(Stewie tries to put bag over top of his head.)
Stewie: I'm going to do it! (Tries to put bag over left side of his head then climbs into it and tries pulling it over his head.)
Stewie: BLAST! Good Lord Lois, either I was a c-section, or you're Wonder Woman!

Meg: Everybody! Guess what I am?
Stewie: Hm, the end result of a drunken back-seat grope-fest and a broken prophylactic?

Stewie: I was under the impression the name of the show was "Kids Say the Darndest Things," not "Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up."

Stewie: Oh hey lady. Hey, what's going on? How are you? Yeah, oh it's just me, Stewie, just being myself, ah yeah. Oh, oh well this here? Oh, it's just my package, yeah just ah just ah my package, God delivered it I signed for it the world keeps on spinnin', yeah.

Chris: Hey little dude, how about some ice cream?
Stewie: Yes I could go for a frozen treat right about now. But no sprinkles. And for every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.

Quagmire (with a trashy girl on his arm): Hang around little guy, I'll be back later (he winks).
Stewie: Oh very well. I suppose I'll go and pump the chemical toilet. (Eyes the trashy girl.) apparently, you're about to do the same.

Lois Griffin: Come on Stewie, don't be afraid. It's just water, it's not gonna bite.
Stewie Griffin: Shut up! I know it's not going to bite, stupid! What a stupid thing to say. You drown in it you moron! It doesn't have to bite you!

(Stewie covering up the dead body of Mr. Lockhart by hiding in his blood-covered suit as a police officer drives up.)
Officer: Everything alright here?
Stewie: Oh fine officer, just enjoying the sunset. No law against that, is there?
Officer: What happened to your shirt?
Stewie: Oh you know, just a pizza party at the office.
Officer: Oh yeah, where do you work?
Stewie: First Fidelity Insurance over on Weybossett Street.
Officer: Oh my cousin Arnie works over there.
Stewie: Oh Arnie's your cousin is he?
Officer: You know him?
Stewie: Oh somewhat, good middle management type. Just sort of blends in with the furniture, though, never really wowed anyone at the office.
Officer: Yeah, that's always been Arnie's problem. Well, take it easy.
Stewie: Yes yes, you too. Oh and if you see Arnie, tell him 'boogity boogity boo.' He'll know what it means.

Butler (cuts eggs): Your eggs are cut sir.
Stewie: Cut my milk!
Butler: I can't sir, it's liquid.
Stewie: Imbecile! Freeze it, then cut it, and if you question me again I'll put you on diaper detail and I promise I won't make it easy for you.

Stewie: I want pancakes!! You people understand every language except English! Yo quiero pancakes! Donnez-moi pancakes! Click-click-bloody-click pancakes!!!

Lois: What's going on down here?
Stewie: Oh, we're playing house.
Lois: That boy's all tied up.
Stewie: Roman Polanski's house

Meg: Mom guess what! I made the Flag Girl squad
Stewie: Flag Girl? Ummmm, yes good for you... Now you can be somewhere else when the boys don't call!

Future Stewie: That's never happened to me before.
Girlfriend: What, the 8 seconds of sex or the 40 minutes of crying?
Future Stewie: Both

Peter: I don't say this often enough, but, uh, I'm gonna die.
Lois: Oh my God.
Stewie: High five! Anyone? Anyone?

Stewie (in car with Brian, says to police officer): We met on the Internet. He lured me into the car with promises of candy and funny stories.

Lois: What kind of egotistical, selfish, moronic and idiotic person would get liposuction... Who? WHO?
(Peter walks in at half of his weight)
Stewie: Oh my God... It has finally happened, he has become so massive that he collapsed into himself like a neutron star.

Chris: Here Stewie, have a fig newton.
(Stewie eats the cookie.)
Stewie (while chewing): I say, I must use him for, OH GOD THERE'S AN ORGY IN MY MOUTH!!!!!

Stewie: Did you forge my name? How dare you! Is this backwards "S" supposed to be cute? I'm going to crap double for you tonight!

(Peter is trying to potty train Stewie)
Peter: C'mon Stewie, don't you want to pee in the toilet like a big boy?
Stewie: Well, perhaps I could give it the old college try. Would you put your hands there on the toilet seat, it'll help me relax.
Peter: OK. (Slams toilet seat down on Peter's fingers.) AAAHHHHHH!!!!
Stewie: Listen you, I'll use these facilities when I'm DAMN WELL READY!!!! Until then you shall continue to sanitize my crevice and be DAMN GRATFEUL FOR THE OPPORTUNITY!!! Starting right . . .hmmp. . . hmmmp. . . . .hmmmmmp well then, not now, BUT SOON! (Walks off.)

Stewie: By all means, turn me into a child star. Perhaps I can move to Californ-i-ay and wrangle me a three-way with the Olsen twins.

Stewie: I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the rug.
Brian: I'm a pompous little antichrist who will abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and wind up settling with a rough trick named Jim.

Stewie: Easy! Massage the scalp. You're washing a baby's hair, not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress, you holiday drunk.

Stewie: I bet you lost your virginity to a mechanical bull.

Stewie: Oh damn! Jeremy is still in the trunk! How long has it been, two weeks? Yeah, he's dead.

Stewie: You know it's awfully dangerous for me to be walking around the mall at my height. I say, let me get on your back.
Brian: Oh for God sake.
Stewie: Strong with the force young Skywalker is.
Brian: God, I don't believe this.
Stewie: That is why you fail.

Stewie: Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.

Stewie: You know, I rather like this God fellow. Very theatrical, you know. Pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence ... gotta get me some of that.

Stewie: What the hell is this?
Lois: Sweetie, that's tuna salad.
Stewie: Oh, is that what it is? Really? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food.

Stewie (after tripping Peter): Ha ha ha, oh my God! I almost didn't do it, I almost didn't do it! I thought, is this in bad taste? But you know what, I went for it. I went for it and I'm so glad I did! Ooooh, worth it, totally worth it.

Stewie: Nothing says "Obey Me" like a bloody head on a fence post!

Stewie: Damn you ice cream, come to my mouth! How dare you disobey me!

Stewie (reading the Bible)" My my, what a thumping good read, lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to two by fours. I'll say, you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh.

Stewie (to Meg): So, umm...this is uhh..awkward but uhh..have we ever actually, you know, met? I mean I don't even know, say for example, if you have a room up there. You know? A room? I have a room. You know Meg if you kill yourself now you'll probably get a full page in the yearbook. So, umm...you know thats something to think abou..(burps)..oops just burped.

Stewie (to Cleveland): Can I...Can I touch your hair? I'm gonna do it...I'm gonna touch it. Ooohoohoo it's like a sheep.

Stewie: God, all this work keeping people from having sex, now i know how the Catholic church feels!

Stewie: Oh yes, you have a lot to think about: public drunkenness, grand theft auto...
Brian: You forgot the part where I made you smash your head into the windshield.
Stewie: I don't remember-
Brian: (Slams on brakes, causing Stewie to fly forward into winshield)
Stewie: Yes, well, I suppose I walked right into that one.

Cleveland: I hate Bewitched!
(flips couch while Stewie is on it)
Stewie: Hey...so that's a pretty reasonable reaction huh?

Robber: I'm gonna go bang my girlfriend and then I'm gonna kill Chris Griffin!
Stewie: Good lord! Can he really say "bang my girlfriend" on TV?

Stewie: You know, mother, this could almost have passed for a palatable banana pudding, but without Nilla wafers it's just another one of your wretched culinary abortions. Now clean it up!

Lois (to Stewie): Come on sweetie, eat your broccoli. It's good for you! Here comes the airplane!
Stewie (to Lois): Damn you, damn the broccoli, and damn the Wright Brothers!

Stewie (To CPR baby): Well, I can't believe we just did that. Hmm, umm...but you know that stuff about spending the day together tomorrow. Umm...I forgot actually I have a thing. But...uhh you know you have my email address so drop me a line and I'll have yours. And uhh...we'll take it from there.

Stewie: What the deuce?!

Venessa -Chris you have to put your parents into a home! Don't you ever want to inherit this Fu**ing house?!?
Chris - Now Venessa, don't swear around Pablo.
Venessa - Oh that little shit's from Guam or something. He probably only speaks Spanish.
Stewie (Pablo) -Hey "Nessa"--a bullet sounds the same in every language so stuff a sock in it cow!

Stewie: If your teachers ask about your bruises, what do you tell them?
Chris: (crying): I got hit by a baseball.

Stewie: What's this? Blueberries! Oh, oh my G ... oh, that's better than sex!

Stewie: Augh! What the hell do you think you're doing?
Brian: I'm cleaning myself.
Stewie: You were clean fifteen minutes ago, now you're just on vacation.

Stewie: For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny!

Stewie: What are the stakes of this wager?
Brian: Why don't you just shut up for about a week?
Stewie: Excellent, and if I win?
Brian: I wasn't betting. Why don't you just shut up for about a week?
Stewie (pause): You're on.

Stewie: That coffee mug that you have on your desk, it says life's a beach? Umm that's dangerously close to the word bitch isn't it?
Brian: Uhh, yeah that's the joke.
Stewie: Oh, absolutely! And nobody appreciates a joke like Stewie, and you know between you and me I think it's a stitch, but some of the other employees found it offensive.

Meg: Can I be in the play, Mom?
Stewie: Oh yes, you can be the dumpy teenage girl who cries backstage because no one finds her attractive.

Stewie: You look like Snoopy and it makes me smile.

Stewie: I've read your article, too, Brian. Seems to me like you should spend less time working for the paper and more time (voice goes extremely high) workin' on that novel you've been workin' on. You (Brian hits Stewie with a book)

Stewie (to a mother who was breastfeeding her child, after he swapped places with the kid): You call those cheap implants boobs? Those aren't boobs! They're lies!

Stewie (after doing The Robot): I'd like to see the kid from Barney with the hearing aid do that.

Stewie: What's that? Oh yes, yes. I love crack. I'm absolutely coo-coo for crack!

(Stewie runs out of house naked, after a bath, and rolls in mud.)
Stewie: Look Lois! I'm not clean anymore! (Peter-washing his car-sprays Stewie clean with the hose)
Peter: There you go.
(Stewie looks DOWN at himself in shock.)
Stewie: OH MY GOD! I'm a woman!!

Stewie: What are these? Pancakes? Oh oh, these are delectable. Good news Flappy, I've decided not to kill you!

Stewie: What do you want?
Man in White: I want to get the hell out of here!
Stewie: Oh, I'm sorry, We're fresh out of that, but what I can give you is UNTIMELY DEATH!

Chris: What did you get from your boyfriends?
Meg: Oh you know from my boyfriend ,Prince William, I got this beautiful watch, and this diamond tiara, and a scepter...(goes crazy and runs away crying)
Stewie: She needs to get laid BIG TIME!

Stewie (to Death): Email me at lois must die (all one word) at yahoo.com.

Stewie: Duck, duck, (slaps Janet on the head) GOOSE!
Janet cries. Stewie: Oh come on I barely hit you! See this is why people don't respect the WNBA!

Stewie: What the hell do you think you're doing!?
Lois: Strapping you in, honey, so you don't get hurt.
Stewie: "So I don't get hurt;" that's the best you can come up with, you dull-witted termagant?
Lois: I brought your Raffi tape!
Stewie: Play "Wheels on the Bus" and get the hell out of my sight.

Lois: Oh Good job Stewie! Clean Plate! But...
Stewie: Ye,s yes, i got more of it on my face. Yes that one never gets old.
Lois (hands Stewie a piece of cake): Here you go. Eat up.
Stewie: I'LL EAT IT WHEN I'M READY!
(Chris walks in.)
Stewie: I'm ready! Well, lets see wat we have today. Big piece of chocolate cake for me. And OH-- something very nice for BIG FAT YOU! (Hands Chris a leaf from the plant in the middle of the table.) Bon appitet! Oh and you can have my fork, i shan't be using it. Watch me. Yes that's it. (Shoves face into cake.)

Stewie (at airport): I require a window seat and an inflight Happy Meal, and no pickles! God help you if I find pickles!

Chris: Can I go now? Stewie's gonna help me with my math homework.
Lois: Chris...he can't help you with your homework, he's just a baby!
Stewie: And I guess you're a Rhodes Scholar yourself. Where did you graduate from again, the University of DUH?!?!?
Max Weinstein:I'll help you with your homework son.
Peter: My God!!! Is there nothing you people can't do, except you know... manual labor???
Lois: What a horrible thing to say! They built the pyramids!

(Brian walks in with injuries from being beat up by Stewie)
Tom Brady: What happened to you?
(Stewie gets Brian's attention)
Brian: I...fell down the stairs.
Stewie: Hmm, you should be more careful.

Stewie: Rupert, did you call that engineer at Lockheed yet? Well of course you didn't you worthless little... (Hits Rupert the Toy Bear). There, see what you made me do? Do you think I enjoy hitting you? Well actually I do. I enjoy it so much I'm going to do it AGAIN!!! (Hits Rupert the Toy Bear)

Stewie: Good shot! Made my brown-eye blue with that one!
Brian: Yeah, well the next one's aimed right at your head!
(Stewie jumps out from behind the tree with a rocket launcher.)
Brian: What the hell?
Stewie: Now is the winter of your discontent!

Stewie: Now, I'm going to do something I like to call the 'Compliment Sandwhich" Where I say something good, talk about where you need improvement, and then end with something good.
Brian: Whatever you gotta do...
Stewie (flips notepad): Something good... something good... You look like SNOOPY and it makes me smile... but you have smelly dog farts.

Stewie: [speaking to a Latina maid] So which of the Latin countries are you from: the one with the civil war, the one with the cocaine, or the one with the fancy hats?

Stewie: I'd love to stay and chat but your a complete bitch, so bye!

Stewie (slaps teacher): ...and thats for wearing blue socks with purple pants! EWWWWW!!!

(Doorbell rings)
Chris: Matthew Mcconaughey?
Matthew Mcconaughey: Yeah, I'm lookin' for a guy named Stewie--
(Arrow hits him in the eye)
Matthew McConaughey: OWWWWW!
Stewie: Chris, grab his legs! I've gotta bury this thing!
Chris: But I--
Stewie: GRAB HIS LEGS!!!

Stewie: Ummm, yeah. We couldn't run an ad that said no Portuguese, but ummm...no Portuguese.

(Stewie is eating dirt)
Stewie: I say Rupert, these crumpets you've prepared are positively devine! Mmm, excellent texture, provocative suppore, try another you say? Well, aren't I the wicked one?!
Lois: Stewie, don't eat dirt, it's disgusting.
Stewie: Oh and I suppose those billious curds you force fed me from your teet were perfectly fine then!

Stewie: HA! That's so funny I forgot to laugh... excluding that first Ha.

Government Agent: You're mentally unfit to take care of your children.
Peter: NO!
Chris: NO!
Meg: NO!
Stewie: FINALLY!

Stewie: Hey look! The fat one made a funny!
Okay, I got one....if you were to cook any slower, why you wouldnt be cooking very fast now would you? (Pause.) Well that wasn't very funny....oh, oh...okay I got one (giggling) if you were to cook any slower, you wouldn't need an egg timer, you would need an egg calander....hahahaha!! Oh yes, I went there!!

Stewie: Another baby? But, but I'm the baby. Why the deuce would they want to replace me? My, my cheeks are pinchable, my bottom is smooth, my laugh is heartwarming. Aha ha ha ha ho ho ho! What's that? I certainly am not overreacting! What the devil do you think happened to Bobby when they added cousin Oliver to the Brady bunch?
(Cut to the Brady family sitting around the table)
Mom: Oliver, did you break this vase?
Oliver: No the floor did (the family all laughs)
Boy: He's so cute.
(Bobby emerges from a door)
Bobby: Hey everybody I...
Dad: Bobby, you get back in the garage! (Thrusts end of broom into Bobby.)
Bobby: Ow, ow!

Stewie: What the hell is this? I said egg whites only! Are you trying to give me a bloody heart attack? (Smashes breakfast into wall.) Make it again!!

Stewie: Let's see, soda, purple stuff...Sunny D, alright!

(While playing Pacman at the bar)
Brian: Get, get the fruit. It's more points. Get the fruit.
Stewie: I'm not gonna get the fruit.
Brian: Get the fruit.
Stewie: I'm not gonna... I can't get the fruit.
Brian: Get the fruit.
Stewie: I'm not gonna... I'm not gonna get the fruit there's a ghost right there!

Stewie: I say, Rupert, this paste is quite delicious. It's almost worth the bowel obstruction!!!

(Stewie takes a candy bar from the counter and eats it.)
Clerk: Whoa, little guy. You gotta pay for that!
Stewie: Go suck a rail road spike, I haven't got any money!

Mrs. Pewterschmidt: Would you like a piece of candy?
Stewie: I smell death on you.

Stewie (reading to Meg and Chris): "Garfield at Large", by Jim Davis. Now as you can see in this panel, Garfield doesn't care for Nermal. But like him or not, Nermal is here to stay! Or is he? Let's read on.

Stewie (drunk): I think you...are a special person....now now now...come on...I'm being...I'm being serious...for...for a second...are...are you gonna listen to me? Are you gonna listen to me...so I...can tell you that I respect you? (Knocks over champagne glass.)

Stewie: Those jugs are mine until all the milk dries up. Then you can have the remains!

Stewie: Victory is mine!

Brian: I'll be in the basement.
Peter: Doin' what?
Brian: What do you think?
(Everyone laughs)
Stewie: Someone will have to explain that to me.

Stewie: Well, Well mother we meet again.
Lois: Stewie I thought I tucked you in an hour ago.
Stewie: Not tightly enough it would seem, and now you contemptible harpy, I shall end your oppressive reign of matriarchal tyranny!

Stewie: Excellent, the mind control device is nearing completion!
Lois: Stewie, no toys at the table. (Takes mind control device.)
Stewie: Damn you vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.
Lois: Don't pout now sweetie, when you were born the doctor told us you were the happiest newborn he'd ever delivered.
Stewie: But of course. That was my victory day! The fruition of my deeply laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarion bastille! Return the device woman!
Lois: No toys, Stewie.
Stewie: Very well then. But mark my words, when you least expect it, your uppance shall come.

(Stewie lies asleep in bed)
Stewie (sleeping, then yawns): What the deuce?!! FLEAS! ARGHH!! (Jumps out his bed and runs down the hallway, sliips and crahses into the table at the end of the hallway.)
Stewie: Damn you Mop and Glow!!

Lois: Look its the New Year's baby!
Stewie: Yes, I rather like the sash, but do the Huggies make my ass look big?

Stewie: I say, Mother, this hot dog has been on my plate for a full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself.
Lois: Honey, I'll be right there.
Stewie: Oh, by all means, take your time. Oh, and when you do finally get around to it, I'll be the one covered in flies with a belly that protrudes half-way to bloody Boston!

Stewie (to Death): Love your work.

Stewie: Ooh, Lois, someone's wearing their ovaries on the outside.

Stewie: Blast you and your estrogenical tyranny!

Stewie: That's right Mr. Giraffe, get all the marmalade.

Lois: Here comes the airplane, Stewie.
(Stewie swats spoon)
Stewie: The pilot of that plpane must have been JFK Jr.

Stewie: You know, it is so fashionable to take a shot at Jay Leno. Look, the fact is the man is out there every bloody night with fresh material and he's charming.

Stewie: DAMN YOU VILE WOMAN!

Stewie: It seems with death incapacitated, my matricidal efforts are futile. (Stewie looks around checking to make sure no one is around.) Nick nack paddy whack, give a dog a bone.

Stewie: Machiavelli! You've told me nothing I don’t already know! Ah Sun Zhu's The Art of War.
Lois: Stewie, those books aren’t for babies. Here. Watch the Teletubbies.
Stewie: How dare you! That book may hold the key to my enslaving of all mankind.

Stewie (after breaking the tail off of Brian's mothers stuffed carcass): Loosen up, the old gal doesn't have much to wag about these days anyway.

Little Asian Girl: Hey Stewie, do you want to complete our rainbow?
Stewie: Dear God, I've been adopted by a Benetton ad.

Stewie: I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here.
Peter: Hey stinky. Have we got big plans for you.
Stewie: Plans? What the devil are you talking about?

Stewie: Why you toddering, fen-sucked dewberry! I'm going to go find something to strike you with! Excuse me.

Lois: Stewie, say hi to our new neighbor, Officer Swanson.
Stewie: You will bow to me!

Stewie: Uh, there's a half-dead-fat-man eating a dead-fat-man...am I the only one who realized? Oh, okay...

(Lois picks Stewie up and puts him in the baby carrier she's wearing) Put me down, you lazy skank!!

Stewie (making fun of the contents of a candy jar at his grandparents' house): Oh, oh...look at this...a spare key for a Volkswagen Scirocco...they don't even make those any more! They don't even make that car anymore!! Whose keys are these?
Later...
Lois: Well it sure was nice of Mayor West to drop the kidnapping charges.
Brian: It's amazing. All he asked for in return was the key to a Volkswagen Scirocco.
Stewie: You're welcome!

Stewie: So broccoli, mother says your good for me,well I'm afraid i'm not good for you!